Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Which are we, humans having a spiritual experience or spiritual beings having a human experience?

The answer is yes. I feel, for myself, I was a human that had a spiritual experience and since then I accept that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. The start of an “awakening” for me was when I began to see my soul instead of my ego. That was both a spiritual awakening and a human awakening at the same time. Did you notice that I said the start of an “awakening” and that I used quote marks? The purpose of that is because an awakening is the beginning of opening to ourselves and our purpose, from there we continue the process for the remainder of our lives. The process of an awakening is life long, it is not a one and done explosion of enlightenment and we certainly do not go through life and then one day become “WOKE.”

My main spirit guide “Cowboy” tells me that humans live so close to the ego that the soul gets over-looked. The human awakening is a realization that we are much more than a human body, brain, and ego. In addition to our physical body, we have an energetic body or light body. (I have experienced my energetic and light bodies separately at the same time but for the sake of clarity I am going with the premise that they are one in the same and I am not mentioning all the different selves we have in this blog). An “awakening” brings to light how our human selves and our spiritual selves work together to bring healing and growth. It encourages us to dig deep to discover more about ourselves and to continue to work at learning, healing, and growing in awareness, in expansion, in joy, and in love. As Humans we have strengths and weaknesses, we make mistakes, we hurt people, even those we love, and we are meant to go through hardship, as well as joy. We are here to learn lessons through those hardships and traumas. When we can begin the journey to learning and healing the wounds from our human experiences, we expand our knowledge and our capacity for compassion and joy. With each lesson learned our capacity grows and continues to grow.

It is hard to imagine that we would sabotage ourselves, and yet we do it all the time, undermining our own hopes and dreams, our progress in learning and in life.

We make a goal, say to eat better, we have a package of cookies and decide to wait until the cookies are gone, or you have a plate of cookies and grab one every time we pass by the plate. We try to say that we have no will power, that it is not our fault. The reality is that it is not a matter of will power or fault. When make a goal then make conscious decisions that block that goal from coming to fruition, that is self-sabotage. I think everyone can relate to that cookie scenario, but self-sabotage can show up in many ways.

Why do we do it? Why do sabotage our goals and dreams? If the goal or dream is truly something we desire and we sabotage ourselves to keep from obtaining it, most times it comes down to lack of self-love and self-worth. If the goal or dream is not what we want and we are pursuing it for someone else, we will sabotage it to keep from being honest that the dream is not ours. Learning the patterns of self-sabotage can be a painful inward journey. It means becoming aware of successes and failures and the decisions made while working toward a goal. Calling yourself out in a realization of self-sabotage is a beautiful thing, eventually. We feel that beauty when healing happens, adopted thinking changes, and we start to see how our decisions directly affect our outcomes. What I am getting from “Cowboy” right now is that taking personal responsibility is the only way to end self-sabotaging behavior.

Once we can see the behaviors that sabotage our goals, and the thinking that goes with it, we can change both in a way that encourages our self-worth. We can begin to be honest with ourselves and others about what we want and what we are willing to do. When I first

noticed my own self-sabotaging behaviors, it seemed for a time that I was constantly seeing that I was purposely standing in my own way. I am grateful that I now allow myself permission to say no, I do not want that, and then not do it, and if there is something I do want and I see that old behavior showing up I can look inward to see why the behavior is there. A few times it was just habit and could I stop the behavior, a few other times I found fear that I had to confront, which I did and then moved on.

Having expectations can be one of most detrimental yet most human of experiences. We have all had expectations of ourselves, other people, situations and even items. We set low expectations to save ourselves from disappointment, or we set lofty expectations with the hope of success and pride. We also set unrealistic expectations with the intent of sabotage, whether its self-sabotage or sabotage of others; ugly yes, but it is something most people have done whether they know it or not. Learning to live without expectations is one thing my current path has me working out. I am quite sure it will be a lifelong endeavor.

My guide, “Cowboy,” brought to me the realization that I take expectations to a different level all together. I “think” I know what other people expect of me. How is it that I could know what others expect if they have not told me? The simple answer is ego, the expanded answer is ego. I began to believe that everyone thought the same way I, including but not inclusively expectations. If I had an expectation of myself, everyone must have that same expectation. If I had an expectation of another person, then they had to have an expectation of me that would warrant my expectation of them. It is understandable if you need to read that again, it is twisted thinking at its finest, LOL, convoluted even, ego hard at work. Letting go of the belief that I know what anyone’s expectation of me, of my behavior, or anything about me is necessary to change my thought process. Cowboy tells me, that changing the way we think is pivotal in realizing freedom from the chains created by carrying expectations in the first place. Finding peace in neutral; a place of no expectations, is a process of progress not perfection.

When expectations are held, a barrier from the truth and reality is created. No one wins when expectations are put on us; if the expectation is low, we can begin to think that the expectation is the goal, and if the expectation is high and not met, self-doubt and judgment can eventually take over creating a new dynamic in wounding. Whether we are the ones with the expectations or the ones the expectations are set for no one is working for their highest good making the truth impossible.